Harry Potter: W.W.W.J.D? (What Would Wizard Jesus Do?)

I see these bible-thumping priests on TBN slamming the Harry Potter series like J.K. Rowling had three-sixes emblazoned on her scalp. You would think they might have known that Harry Potter celebrates Christmas. Sure, there is no mention of Jesus, or the precious Holy Bible that the Harry Potter Saga threatens to outsell; but Harry still rolls into the Burrow every holiday.

Is Harry Potter celebrating a secular form of the holiday that forgoes all of the martyr worship of a gory Mel Gibson movie? I doubt the Wizarding World would simply buy into the corporate extravaganza that muggles so openly relish.

Is Dumbledore pals with the immortal wizard Santa Clause who comes riding along like Beaubaton once a year? Nope. Characters in Harry Potter actually buy presents (or in Mrs. Weasley’s case, knits them).

The only other explanation is…wait for it…JESUS WAS A WIZARD!!!

Allow me to explain in-universe style:

This juicy info probably blew Harry’s mind the first time he heard it.

“Gosh Hermione! Now I actually find The New Testament believable.”

The special thing about Jesus to Harry and all of the Wizarding World is that JESUS DIDN’T NEED A FRICKIN WAND. Jesus could give sight to the blind without perfecting the wand movement for a conjunctivitis Counter-Jinx. Jesus could come back from the dead with nary a Horcrux to tatter his soul. Voldemort probably wanted to make the Holy Grail one of his Horcruxes but had to settle for Hufflepuff’s Cup. Why do you think that seven is the most powerfully magical number? Surely the Wizards got it from the Holy Bible!

So, to all TBN lunatics who hopefully stumble upon this blasphemy; take a moment to ask yourself how Wizard Jesus would act before you get seriously butt hurt.

-Ryan M.

P.S. If you seriously feel offended click this link and consider it a formal apology.

The guy who wrote this is obviously too excited about HBP and he probably needs to take a step back and realize how he has never written a geekier post.