I watched Antichrist. Needed moar.

Antichrist is quite possibly the darkest film of the decade. "Torture porn" in it's most literal form. The only way this squeaked into Cannes Film Fest is because Lars von Trier's name is attached. Antichrist is only worth watching the one time if you're a gorehound. After hearing so much shock over the genital mutilation, I left disappointed, even though it was super realistic.

The biggest fan of this film has to be the star of BME PAIN OLYMPICS. I hate that guy.

Harry Potter: W.W.W.J.D? (What Would Wizard Jesus Do?)

I see these bible-thumping priests on TBN slamming the Harry Potter series like J.K. Rowling had three-sixes emblazoned on her scalp. You would think they might have known that Harry Potter celebrates Christmas. Sure, there is no mention of Jesus, or the precious Holy Bible that the Harry Potter Saga threatens to outsell; but Harry still rolls into the Burrow every holiday.

Is Harry Potter celebrating a secular form of the holiday that forgoes all of the martyr worship of a gory Mel Gibson movie? I doubt the Wizarding World would simply buy into the corporate extravaganza that muggles so openly relish.

Is Dumbledore pals with the immortal wizard Santa Clause who comes riding along like Beaubaton once a year? Nope. Characters in Harry Potter actually buy presents (or in Mrs. Weasley’s case, knits them).

The only other explanation is…wait for it…JESUS WAS A WIZARD!!!

Allow me to explain in-universe style:

This juicy info probably blew Harry’s mind the first time he heard it.

“Gosh Hermione! Now I actually find The New Testament believable.”

The special thing about Jesus to Harry and all of the Wizarding World is that JESUS DIDN’T NEED A FRICKIN WAND. Jesus could give sight to the blind without perfecting the wand movement for a conjunctivitis Counter-Jinx. Jesus could come back from the dead with nary a Horcrux to tatter his soul. Voldemort probably wanted to make the Holy Grail one of his Horcruxes but had to settle for Hufflepuff’s Cup. Why do you think that seven is the most powerfully magical number? Surely the Wizards got it from the Holy Bible!

So, to all TBN lunatics who hopefully stumble upon this blasphemy; take a moment to ask yourself how Wizard Jesus would act before you get seriously butt hurt.

-Ryan M.

P.S. If you seriously feel offended click this link and consider it a formal apology.

The guy who wrote this is obviously too excited about HBP and he probably needs to take a step back and realize how he has never written a geekier post.

Bloody skeet-skeet?

I'm ready and willing to watch Lars Von Trier break almost every tenet of the Dogme 95 Manifesto.

Willem Dafoe ejaculating blood? You had me at Willem.

Watch the awesome trailer.

Horror/Splatstick=Melt Horror

Body Melt is some of the best "melt horror" there is and adds another movie to my sick list of films with an onscreen child death.

The plot is simple: a health spa sells a vitamin called "Vimuville" that makes random Australians melt. You gotta love the savant-like genius of melt horror.

What is melt horror, you ask? Its sort of a nanogenre; derivative of the horror subgenre known as "splatstick." The term splatstick (coined by Peter Jackson) refers to a horror film where gore is played for laughs (e.g. Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn & Dead Alive).

From the Peter Jackson Bio on the DVD for Bad Taste:

Jackson never takes his gore very seriously, calling films like BAD TASTE and its follow-ups, MEET THE FEEBLES (1989) and DEAD ALIVE (1992), "splatstick" or "splatoons."

According to the Wikipedia, Body Melt was inspired by these early Peter Jackson gems that you'll either love or hate. Read more about the Body Melt at badmovies.org.

Melt horror movies are like slasher flicks; but the stalker is replaced with a substance that; when imbibed, results in a hilarious, horrible, and sloppy death. In a slasher film, you can't wait until someone gets stabbed. In melt horror, you'll be hoping that a character decides to have a taste of some mysterious substance.

Arguably, the masterpiece of all melt horror is Street Trash. Check it: a liquor store owner uncovers a crate of "Viper" in his cellar and sells it to the homeless for a bargain price. Little do they know it only takes one swig of this purple drank become a pile of flesh.

Most melt horror films look as low budget as they are; but Street Trash rises above the rest with direction by Jim Muro. There are some interesting camera movements that are indicative of the steadicam ability Muro later presents in a slew of other films.

You're either a click away from piling your Netflix cue with these films or you're still skeptical of what melt horror has to offer.

I leave you with this: the best melt scene in the history of cinema.

Random Quote from: Fight For Your Life.

"My name is Jessie Lee Kane--pleased to meet you nigger."
- William Sanderson as Jessie Lee Kane

I lol'd a little bit. Sometimes I laugh at irreverence to social taboos and this film delivered the goods.

Fight For Your Life is exploitation at it's finest. Escaped felons subject an idealistic family to torture that is mostly psychological; which may sound like Funny Games, but the dark humor in Fight For Your Life is more of the laugh-out-loud variety. In true grindhouse fashion there's sex and violence abound in this film and it possibly shows the first on-screen child killing in the history of cinema! Too bad the infant that's at gunpoint in the trailer doesn't get what it deserves. When will I witness my first on-screen baby kill? Someone please oblige.